Jeff vs Henry

It was 9:45am, Jeff was already swamped with work. He’d spent the last forty five minutes staring a Henry hoover in the face trying to work out what kind of animal it was, what it was doing inside his territory and whether or not it posed a significant threat. He was frantically weighing up his potential adversary; it’s strengths and weaknesses and one thing he’d already learned was that this was one cool customer with one impressive poker face. There they sat, face to face, locked in a potentially lethal game of cat and hoover. He considered the greatest area of concern to be the the long black snout. As a fairly decent predator himself, he knew that the red colouring around it’s face was a defence mechanism and more than likely just for show. The eyes were a definite weak spot, they were huge and largely unprotected; if it did make a move on him, Jeff knew that he’d only have to get around the snout and make for the face and he’d be victorious. It still didn’t move. Jeff’s ears twitched and rotated listening for even the slightest movement. Then, Susan came in, strode nonchalantly over to the Henry, picked it up and carried it over to the other side of the room.

Susan wasn’t shy about taking days off away from her business, there’s only so many fax machines you can attempt to sell in a world run by emails. That’s probably the main reason it was going down the shitter. She knew this but there wasn’t a whole lot she was prepared to do to fix it; she could remove the boxes of Brother branded dot matrix printers from the window, they’d been there so long the bloke on the box had begun to fade but unfortunately, Susan is to the business world what an abacus is to the world of calculators. Susan was a Windows ’95 girl living in a OSX Mountain Lion world. If Susan was a YouTube video, she’d be buffering. She was shit at her job, she liked the idea of being a business owner but didn’t want to get involved in the business of running it. Her real dream was to sell up, buy a restaurant and run that into the ground instead. She’d decided to take the day off because she wanted to give the whole house a clean, top to bottom. She didn’t let on but Jeff’s cat hairs were becoming a real problem for her. He was a beige coloured cat, he matched the beige coloured walls, the beige coloured furniture and Susan’s beige coloured life and as such, they couldn’t easily be located.

Meanwhile, Jeff analysed the ‘Henry’ situation. He could tell that the thing was as beholden to Susan as he was, the only difference being that there was no way Jeff would allow Susan to roughhouse him like this poor creature. He watched as Susan pulled out what jeff guessed to be it’s tail and plugged it into the wall, she poked it on the head and the thing began to scream. Jeff was startled, whatever it was that just happened, Jeff wanted no part of it. He ran into the hallway and up the stairs, he was shocked to hear Susan laughing like a mad woman at his reaction. The screaming and commotion lasted for a good ten minutes; whatever she was doing, it didn’t sound pleasant. After the torture had stopped for a bit, Jeff tentatively made his way back downstairs to find the creature back in it’s original spot. The floor was spotless. Jeff made his way back to the area he occupied previously and got back to work trying to figure out what this guys problem was. It was clear from all the screaming and the fact the floor was clean that this thing was some kind of slave. Jeff was ok with that fact but what he was struggling to come to terms with is why the Henry looked so happy about it. He had seen Henry stowed away in the cupboard before and considered that they might have some common ground, Jeff himself like to hide away in a wardrobe from time to time so perhaps their instincts weren’t as far apart as he’d initially thought…


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